Against Titans
by hobonisuru
Summary: What was I to that world? What's a bug to a titan? Insignificant, that's what.
1. Deficient

I froze, my lungs stopped halfway through a gasp as I quickly tried to stifle my panic. The chill that crawled along my spine slapped my miserable failure back in my face. The panic continued, and my stomach began to throb painfully. In lieu of letting out a whimper, I bit my the inside of my mouth hard enough to cut into the flesh.

I couldn't believe my eyes. This seriously couldn't be happening, could it?

Maybe it was a dream? An illusion? Following that train of thought, maybe I'd just gone crazy. I'd never expected to see this creature again, not my current life or the next.

"Master?" Its movements were strangely much more minimal than I remembered, yet its voice was just as dull—monotone, as I vaguely recalled. "Are you unwell?"

"Of—" _course I'm fine, you stupid bitch._ The retort failed to tumble out of my mouth, but the reflex of it did give me a jolt. It had been a long time since I'd been that cavalier, especially to something as _dangerous_ as this thing in front of me. Yesterday, I could almost think of those days fondly, almost, but today was not then, not by a long shot. I'd lost that attitude—no, to be more accurate I'd had that attitude _eviscerated_ out of me. The trauma of it had kept me awake at night for years, as much as I'd pretended otherwise.

I coughed, before brushing away the droplets of blood that leaked out of my mouth. "Of course I'm fine."

It knew I was lying, of course, but nodded anyway. It's not like the concern was real in the first place. It simply had an assigned duty, just as I had mine.

Duty, hah, what a laugh. But the thought was decent enough for more than just a scoff. I closed my eyes as I tried to just _think_. While it was might have been mildly amusing to think I was just insane or dreaming, I just didn't have the imagination for something like this. Neither was I important enough for someone to enthrall for some purpose...

Or was I?

The back of my right hand itched. Nothing was there, but it was like... like a reminder. A trigger. I wasn't important, no, but perhaps my family...? I think they were all dead already, but... no. That wasn't it. The key was there, but not there.

I drew a sharp breath, and finally took in all of my surroundings. I had tried to ignore everything in my panic, hoped it'd all go away if I looked away, but now that the hysteria was beginning to fade I couldn't do that anymore. I had to gather my thoughts if I wanted to figure out what was going on, and I _did_ want to find out what was going on. Everything happens for a reason, wasn't it? I think I heard that somewhere before.

So, time to pull everything together. My name is Matou Shinji. I'm thirty-eight years old, I think. I stopped bothering to count my age a good decade back, and generally have to count up from my date of birth to the current year to remember. When I was young, I liked to pretend I was a magus, not because I had chuunibyou, but because I was part of a family of magi. Of course, I wasn't actually a magus as I wasn't born with the ability for it, but I still liked to act proud because of it, like it meant something. I was elite; I was part of that secret world that only so few knew about. I acted like I was something important, tried to pull my weight around like it meant something to a world of gods and monsters, and so of course it all fell on top of me.

What was I to that world? What's a bug to a titan?

Insignificant, that's what.

But I lived through it, a war—albeit a very small, localized one. In the aftermath, I eventually learned to live with everything. I initially tried to brush it all off, but those few short weeks never really left me. When I graduated from high school, it was like casting off my skin. I couldn't deal with keeping up the farce, couldn't deal with the weight of reality, so I just ran away. It was the most liberating thing I'd ever done. I hadn't really realized how much I'd pressured myself until I threw everything away.

Well, I only really learned that after having mundane life kick the shit out of me for a couple of years. Those first few years... no, I need to gather myself, not lose myself. This isn't productive.

The key was my family? I froze again, halfway in reaching to scratch the back of my hand. No, it was magic.

Magic, real magic, not the thaumaturgy that magi use. It had to be. But... why?

I couldn't remember. I could remember my youth, but the ordinary, slogging days of my mundane, adult life sort of blended all together. Not that I'd expect much else since my adult life was boring as hell, but there was a hint of something in the fact that I couldn't remember how I got here. It wasn't like I just went to sleep one night and suddenly popped up in the past. If I had to describe it, it would be a dream-like transition, only much more vivid, and somewhat traumatic.

But there was a hint there, definitely. Something connected to the itch, definitely, but nothing more solid than that.

Okay, next point. I exhaled, blinked, and then looked around again. Where was I? A scene right out of my nightmares, that's where. I was outside the Matou residence in Fuyuki City. Not surprising, I guess. It was why I'd had a panic attack—well, that and Rider's presence. When was I, exactly? It was night. Beyond that I had no idea. I needed a better reference. I'd guess early February, but that was a pretty broad area given how compact the war was.

Given my position, I was probably about to leave to... do something, probably strut uselessly around town? I don't recall anything important happening when I was out and about, at least not until I had Rider attack people. So, yeah, screw this.

I about-faced and started to walk back into the manor.

"Master?" Its voice had a mildly confused tone. Obviously, I'd given Rider some sort of plan for the night.

"I've changed my mind. It's cold out tonight." Putting aside the unnecessary comment, I scratched my hand again. It didn't itch, but the motion gave me a slight feeling of comfort against the disquieting feeling I had whenever I looked at the creature I somehow commanded.

Commanded. Yes, I could do that, couldn't I? The book I clucked in my right hand was the key. I remembered the feeling of euphoria I'd experienced when I had... acquired the Book of the False Attendant. It was a high that was soon brutally crushed, but the power I'd held for a while... am holding right now? Well, it wasn't too bad.

I let out a slow wheeze of air as I stepped back into the manor. I needed to find a calendar or something. I didn't have the habit of marking off the days, but maybe Sakura did or something.

Of course, my wanderings quickly skid to a halt as I ran into a face I'd thought I'd forgotten. No, I'd tried to forget it. Not because it was ugly, although it certain was, but because it was a face that had, once upon a time, haunted my darkest nightmares. It still did, from time to time, although they weren't as harsh as some.

"What are you doing?" The sound of my great-great-something-or-another grandfather's voice was like gravel. He stared at me with a certain look in his eye, I couldn't quite place it. I'd say perhaps revulsion? Disappointment, maybe? Whatever it was, I felt like I was suddenly being suffocated. It was like I never really left, like the supposed freedom I thought I'd won by getting away was all a lie.

Like I was still the same damn, insecure idiot I was twenty-some years ago.

Fuck.

"Just a change of strategy, Grandfather." I tried to swallow the nervousness—the terror—I felt, but I could still hear it in my voice. I fucking hated it. It made my voice sound whiny.

He heard it too.

"Hmh." He responded with a grunt of amusement. My ancestor's lips quirked, mocking me, and he tilted his head minutely. He accepted my excuse without a word, and dismissed me.

I felt a cold burn settle in my stomach. I had to just swallow it and walk away. I'd killed him. I knew it. I was going to kill this bastard one way or another. I'd decided right there and then, I'd never be able to do anything—never be able to shake off this weight, unless I killed him. I'd need a plan, obviously. It wasn't going to be easy to kill a magus, especially not one of his caliber, but it was _going_ to happen. Maybe in the chaos of the war I'd be able to... to...

I blinked.

"Rider, kill him." The thought of it was barely in my head before I commanded my Servant. No, I didn't even think of it before it was barreling out of my mouth.

It was like the world froze in that moment. I could practically see my grandfather's brain grind to a halt in complete shock. In the peripheral of my sight, I saw Rider similarly still. Neither could believe what I'd just uttered. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. What was my grandfather, what was Matou Zouken? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He may have haunted my nightmares, but what was he to these creatures? To Medusa, to Heracles, to Gilgamesh... to Angra Mainyu? I wasn't going to just walk away, not from him, not when I've seen just how small he is, not when I have the power to do something about it.

The moment passed, and a spike materialized in my grandfather's skull before he even had a chance to say a word. His body flew against the wall from the force of it, and the entire house thundered from the impact. I was mildly surprised his head hadn't simply exploded from the force of it, and the thought appealed to me the moment it popped into my mind.

"Rider, be thorough. Pulverize him." Maybe it was providence, or luck, but a second later I was extremely glad to have given that order. Rider launched herself against the body, giving it at least ten hits all in the blink of an eye. Each one was less a hammer and more a shotgun. His bones and flesh weren't just crack and bend, they were utterly destroyed, causing chunks of meat to explode away from the body and splatter the room. Of course, then his body began to unravel.

I'd always known, instinctively, that my grandfather wasn't entirely human. Magi lived longer, but I knew from my readings that there was always a limit to how long you could go without shedding some part of what made you human. However, I'd never expected _this_. I vaguely recognized the creatures that... detached from his body as some sort of worm familiar. I'd seen them before. I hadn't realized just how... intimate they were with my grandfather though.

They were, of course, absolutely no match for Rider. They were fast, certainly, but my Servant was beyond any sane measure of speed. The things died by the droves, and each gave a wet, splattering shriek as they died so the house was filled with a chorus of bloody cries. I couldn't tell if they were trying to attack or escape because all of them died before they could do more than flop off his body.

Somewhere during all of this, I'd started laughing. It felt good. Fuck. It was amazing to watch. Still, I imagine it was probably a pretty shocking scene to walk into. A sharp gasp from behind me made me realize that's exactly what my sister did. I hiccuped as I tried to get my laughter under control, and turned my head.

Sakura's face was pale, and her mouth hung open with her hands in front of her—like she tried to cover the gasp and only made it halfway. I coughed once, and brushed off the blood that had flecked away from the wound my laughter had reopened. Dimly, I wondered what kind of crazed fuck I must have looked like, but at the same time, I just didn't give a damn.

"Yo, Sakura. Glad you could join us. Things are gonna be different from now on."


	2. Lacking

Honestly, I'm not really sure what I'd expected from my sister when I'd greeted her with that. Whatever it might have been, it certainly was not her standing there for a moment more before closing her open mouth, giving me a smile and saying, "Yes, Nii-san."

The abrupt change caused me pause for a moment, letting everything catch up with me. Less than a minute ago, I'd just ordered my great-great... fuck, how many greats would it even be again? He's centuries old, and if there's a generation every... no, no, never mind. I just had an old bastard who'd made my life miserable killed.

And fuck making a new life. Fuck becoming a new person. Fuck the therapy I tried. Fuck all of that, because killing that old bastard was the best thing ever. Better than sex best thing ever. Better than the high from going power crazy best thing ever. I could die right now and be fucking content, because that old bastard—

I froze. A sudden thought interrupted my inner victory dance.

"Rider, do you sense any more of those things around? Or things like them?" I turned to my Servant, pursing my lips at the unpleasant sensation in my gut souring the euphoria I'd been enjoying.

"Yes, Master." Of course, that's just great. Perfect, even. Fuck.

"Go hunt down all of them; don't let a single one escape." I drew a slow breathe of air, trying to calm myself as Rider appeared to vanish. Matou Zouken was no match for a Servant. Even if he could survive through his familiars, what chance did he have in surviving something like Rider?

No chance, that's what. It was already over with. The old bastard didn't know he was dead when I'd ordered him dead a minute ago, and he won't even know he's dead when my Servant's finished mopping up his bugs.

I thumbed my mouth in thought. The question was what now? The grail war, obviously. I decided not to run away when I killed Zouken, and I wouldn't run away from anything else either. What did it matter how I came here? This was my chance, a chance to finally face all my nightmares head on. In this place, in this time, I wasn't just a hapless human boy. I might not be a magus, but with a Servant, I had something better. I could crush everything that haunted me, how's that for fucking catharsis?

I couldn't be stupid, though. I had power, and I had some foreknowledge, but even just a single slipup could screw me over. Hell, I had never even figured out how Rider had died the first time through. Not to mention, against something like Gilgamesh, even if I play everything perfectly, I still might not win.

In hindsight, I really wish I'd researched more about the grail war in the aftermath. Even if I could remember how everything went last time, there were gaps all over the place. I somewhat knew about Caster and Berserker, but pretty much all the other Servants are a blank. On top of that, I don't know how Caster was killed, and it's not exactly like I can replicate Berserker's defeat. So, basically, I know nothing.

Agh, fuck. Fuck it, I'm not going to back down.

"Um, Nii-san?" Sakura's voice thankfully brought me out of my musing. Getting depressed over not having the foresight to know I was going to go back in time is retarded.

"Yes, what?" I glanced at her, finally taking in the fact that she, now, was completely unruffled by the fact that I'd just had Rider splatter the old bastard all over the walls and floor of the living room. Her cheeks now had their usual faint rosy color, and she even still had that small tiny smile on her face. _Should_ I be surprised? I'm sure he made her life hell too, why wouldn't she be happy he's dead and gone?

"Um, I was... thinking of making dinner, would you like something in particular?" Oooor, maybe she's just a psycho, or an airhead? Or... fuck it, who cares.

"No, I don't care." I glanced over to the gore on the wall. It stank horribly. I glanced over to Sakura, who was still waiting there, almost... obediently, like she was waiting for me to order her to do something.

Wait, did I usually do that? I can't even remember. I probably did. Whatever. Even if I did it when I was young, I'm not sure I have the heart to tell her to clean up the mess that had been Zouken.

"Sakura, where are the cleaning supplies?" It was going to take more than just some rags to clean up this mess, and if I wasn't going to tell Sakura to do it, there wasn't really anyone else to do it but me. Like hell I was going to try and order Rider to do it. I may not think she'll kill me off hand but I'm not going to risk pissing her off by commanding her to do menial tasks.

"Um, I have them in the kitchen?" Sakura blinked, apparently pointing without thinking. I knew where the damn kitchen was, Sakura!

A couple minutes later, I started slopping chunks of flesh into a trash bag, and squeegeeing the still mostly-liquid blood into a bucket. I figured Sakura would just start working on the food which I would probably ignore since this shit had totally killed my appetite. Imagine my shock when I saw Sakura wordlessly kneeling close to me and start helping out. I don't ever really recall us being very close. Sakura was _kind_, to be certain, especially given how much I often resented her, but even at her kindest, and me at my most civil, we were still never very _close_. Yet, in that dark part of the room, dealing with the foulest of materials and smells, I can't help but feel there was a sense of... intimacy, I guess? Perhaps camaraderie would be a better word. Who knew that cleaning up your dead ancestor was a great method of sibling bonding?

Zouken certainly did more for us in death than in life, that's for damn sure. And he was dead, damn it. Rider came back and reported that she'd successfully eradicated all the worms she'd sensed.

We skipped dinner in the end, but when I went to bed, I had the best damn sleep of my entire life. I'd like to think that Sakura slept soundly too, but frankly, I have no idea what goes on in her head.

In the morning, I woke up early. Well, earlier for me. I generally slept until I absolutely had to get up. Or... was that just how I was later? I can't say I remember how my sleep schedule was when I was in school. Like I care! It doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter that Sakura's stranger than I remember.

Because I certainly don't remember her cooking feasts for breakfast. It was all Western food, but really, a bachelor life has given me humility in taking what I can get, and with strange little sister it seems I'm getting more than I bargained for. I don't even know what some of the stuff she cooked is.

But hell, I'm not going to complain, so I sat down and ate some food.

"Um, Nii-san...?" She interrupted my musing while doing her best impression of a mouse with how meek she looked. "Could I... um, go over to Senpai's house this morning?"

I paused. Stranger and stranger. I don't really recall her being so... subordinate. Hell, as I remember it, I had to specifically tell her not to go, and even then she pretty much never listened to me. What was this sudden change of attitude? I'd say it was because I had Zouken killed, but she doesn't look frightened of me. I'd seen her scared before, and she definitely isn't. There's something else in her eye, her posture. I almost want to say respect, but that's not quite it. Attentive, maybe? I suppose it doesn't matter. I half wanted to tell that she couldn't just to see if she'd actually listen, but really, I had no reason to.

When I was younger, I wanted my sister to be under my thumb so I could feel superior, but... Well, besides the fact that I'd like to think I've growth out of that, I feel sort of nostalgic around her. I left and never looked back. Even when I'd heard of her death, I hadn't given her much thought, but time did change me. After nearly two decades, it was... nice to see her again. Why bother being needlessly cruel?

I glanced at the clock, suddenly remembering my derailed plans. "Sakura, what's today's date?"

"Umm..." She blinked at the question, tapping her finger to her mouth for a moment before she answered. "The 4th?"

Of February, I'm sure. How convenient for me. Sadly, I can't remember the actual week day, but I can look that up later without looking foolish. Although, I am rather curious...

"Stay for a few minutes and eat some of this with me before you go." I waved at the loaded table. "It won't kill Emiya if you wake him up a few minutes later than you usually would."

Sakura stilled, a strange look passing over her face, before she gave a soft snort, and smiled like yesterday. I was beginning to wonder if that smile was really a mask for her contemplating on how to kill me. Still, she sat down to my right and started spreading some butter on a piece of toast. Neither of us said much of anything, as we ate, but it was... comfortable. It passed soon enough when she finished her toast and stood to leave, but her farewell wasn't as awkward as I'd expected either.

It wasn't bad.

But, I thought as I stood with a plate to walk over to a calendar hanging on the wall, it was time to start getting serious. A quick fingering on the dates led me to the fact that it was Sunday, even more convenient for me. I had the whole day to pull myself together, try to rack my brain for any sort of detail that might help me win this war, and then actually putting it all into motion.

"Rider, you there?" I immediately regretted saying that. Of course it was. What a stupid question. I should have been more commanding, more confident. I can't ever be sure it won't stab me in the back, but if I don't at least pretend to be sure of myself, I can pretty much guarantee myself to not be long for this world.

"Yes, Master." It appeared to my left as I sat back down at the table. I glanced at my Servant, looking as docile as ever. I would never, _could_ never forget its ferocity the previous night, however. It was my only weapon in this world, but it was very much a double-edged sword. One wrong move and it might very well lop my head off instead of my enemy's.

"Take a seat, Rider." I gestured to the chair to my left. "Eat whatever you like. After breakfast, we're going to have a long talk."

I wasn't looking at it, but I could still feel Rider pause momentarily, a slight hesitation, before sitting down. Did I just surprise it? Perhaps, perhaps it was hesitating on whether or not to kill me where I sat. I don't know. I probably won't ever know. What does a man know of a monster's mind? Like so many other things, it doesn't matter. There's nothing I can do if it decides to turn on me, so I won't bother worrying about it. What does matter is finding out a bit more about what it can do, and giving it a bit of information on what I know. It might be curious, but I doubt it'll question where I got my Intel either.

Come what may, I'm in this war to win it.

-Cut-


End file.
